I wake up blind. Every morning it's as if the night erases the progress of sight from the day before.
I've set a goal to post five times a week. It seemed easy this morning, but the day wore on and I did other tasks instead.
And now it's late; recent news found a weakness in my strength and as my heart lifts to keep my nose above the swell, I feel my creativity shrinking...sinking...shriveling.
"When will I break the code?!?" my heart cries out. "When will the breakthrough come?"
Light breaking through in my day and one small glitch and all fades black.
The "Shadow Man"* has visited me, making good on his threat to blind me again and again and again.
I sink in failure and defeat. Not again. Of course, again. Again? Again.
Spiraling down and down and down and down when out of the corner of my eye... a spark. Just a small chispa, barely the slightest sliver of light catches my attention. The darkness seems more comfortable, easier to understand, commiserate with and muddle in. The effort great to get out of the rut.
My generations have walked this way for centuries. The program is old, the conditioning fine-tuned and ready at the slightest hint of problem or pain.
How to break the cycle? How to disrupt the code? How to destroy the curse?
"I'll only blind you again...and again and again and again," Shadow Man* whispers menacingly into my night.
There...that spark. It's there again except this time closer and I notice something new...the sound, more like a vibration...a hum at a frequency that causes my old program to shudder and wail, "Too hard! Too hard! Let's just keep to the old tried way. You'll just feel bad when you fail. It's impossible. You'll just have to wait and figure it out when you die. Heaven is a wonderful place."
My heart is pounding in my chest, adrenaline running through my head and throat. My face flushes as shame creeps in, accusing, mocking, ridiculing, attempting to shut me down. My throat clenches tight as if to keep the words locked in, locked down, locked up.
If not for the spark, I would have faltered... I would have fallen. It wakes me to the Greater Truth.
I HAVE tasted and I HAVE seen. I am re-membering those moments, circumventing the madness clutching at me to pull me back to status quo, but I can't go back there now...at least not for long. I've seen the Light. I've tasted the Goodness. I've felt the warmth of Love. I've been imprinted and will search continually though I know in searching I have already found and been found.
Left to me is the choice to know and to choose to know and to choose again to know until the knowing is the substance of my highest reality and of my highest agreement to resonate in and with only Truth, only Love, only Light...even when I falter...even when I fail...what remains is more real than the energy I see manifesting as matter around me.
All is Light. I re-member now and suddenly the light particles burst through the illusion which vaporizes in the instant my love touches it. My throat relaxes, only a small tickle remaining. My heart slows, my breath evens, my face softens.
I see. I know. I AM in the light. I AM the light. I AM that I AM is constant, no shadow of turning. I breathe deep. My lungs fill with air I didn't know I was missing. I look back to see the valley and the shadow. I look up to see the smile, the approval, the affection and deep love.
My heart expands into my deep love as I hear the voice of Jesus clearly:
"You passed the test. My silence in those moments are not distance or separation but trust and encouragement because I know you've got this. You have the tools; you've been equipped by the Best (ME!). I trust you. I KNOW you. I see you, and you shine brightly like the stars in My universe. When you wake blind, change your thoughts from ones of dread to ones of anticipation and excitement. You are never disconnected from My joy. It is always present, always fueling, always upholding and sustaining and filling your heart with gladness for the journey. I AM yours. You are Mine. I AM in you and you are IN ME. These light and momentary troubles are working for you a great harvest of righteousness.
Step into the Light of my Presence where there never is any darkness. It all shines as bright as the day, like the noonday sun is My Presence rising within you, My beloved.
"You who spend your days shrouded in darkness can now say, “We have seen a brilliant Light.” And those who live in the dark shadow land of death can now say, “The Dawning Light arises on us.” Matthew 4:16 (TPT)
* I am forever grateful to Ted Dekker for his incredible work in the 49th Mystic and the Rise of the Mystic as well The Forgotten Way and the Way of Love. God speaks to me through stories, and Ted has given me language to work out my salvation and to strengthen my belief in a story that speaks the Truth of Scripture to my heart like no other work of art ever has. Thank you doesn’t even come close to conveying the gratitude I have for your stories that work from inside out, hearing Tayla’s voice and the words of Justin throughout the Journey of the 49th, which is my story too.