It can feel excruciating and debilitating and I can launch myself into a whole lotta shoulds and woulds and coulds. Those words are rarely, if ever, helpful. All they serve is my self-focused, self-driven striving to be and do more of what I think I need to be and do and these ideas usually come from some comparison I've just made of myself to someone else…it's there where I see what she is doing and how he is being and start to spiral into an abyss of lack and distress because if that's where they are, isn't that where I should be too?
But, no. I am where I am. I know this. I teach this. I sometimes find it hard to live it out, however, in my thoughts and feelings and emotions as old patterns are buried like so many tangled tree roots, well below the surface of my conscious mind. They surface when I come across a Facebook post or article or conversation that hits that insecure place deep inside that is constantly wondering if I’m really ok where I am.
Then I come across this thought from Piere Teihard de Chardin:
"Only God could say what this new spirit forming within you will be. Give our Lord the benefit of believing that His hand is leading you. And accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete."
"…in suspense and incomplete." Yes, that about sums it up. This anxiety is found in that in between place, evidence of an unfinished work waiting in suspense, wondering what it will look like one day.
This has been quite the journey and I have often been impatient with myself for not being further along, for not "figuring things out more quickly"…yet…perhaps it's less about me and more about the "slow work of God."
My error is, perhaps, in believing that this journey is all about me - my abilities, my skills - how fast I'm letting go and moving on and finding healing. What if the journey is more about the Mastercraftman…the Creator…at work always shaping and forming me according to His good nature and faithfulness. What if this process I am in is a delicate and intricate work, with details so precise that to rush the work would lead to greater damage.
No one wants a heart surgeon to hurry up or an eye doctor to rush through surgery.
So I breathe deeply and re-center my thoughts around Jesus tenderly and patiently moving with precision and perfect timing to restore and heal all that is lost, broken, and shattered or simply needs upgrading in my life.
My work is to trust and know that it is NORMAL to pass through stages of instability. I cooperate best with God when I embrace the time of growth and work and all of the discomfort that brings. Perhaps all of life has a component of this as it's all a journey towards becoming increasingly alive, throwing off all that entangles and knowing that entanglement sometimes requires a slow steady Hand that lovingly, confidently, expertly knows just how to untwist and unwind everything that no longer serves me so that, when the time comes, I can easily and quickly release it from my life.
The process may be slow, but I've come to understand that I really don't want it any other way.